today i just want to rant about perfectionism. perfectionism is the prime reason why i am in constant anxiety. it strikes me from anywhere and nowhere, like a calm night before the storm. it is traumatizing, it deprecates me, it hurts my self worth, it keeps coming back to me. i wish to be free from the urge of wanting to be perfect. my dear friend told me that the avarice for perfection is what makes you less of a human. because we are human, we can never achieve something called perfect; it is an illusion. i need to learn how to be content with my work. i struggle to make every single detail perfect according to my specific criterion, which often is not even explicitly shown to people. i wish i could someday be free from this compulsive thought. maybe if i keep striving, maybe if i grow older and older, i can see what makes me suffer. and i can finally be content. i have dreams, and i like to picture myself smiling in my own imagination, a vision i hope will soon become reality.
ꕤ˚ 날짜 apr 07 2025
제목﹕geum-ja lee_
listen carefully. everyone makes mistakes. but if you committed a sin, you have to make an atonement for that sin. atonement, do you know what that means? big atonement for big sins. small atonement for small sins.
ꕤ˚ 날짜 apr 01 2025
제목﹕scary dream_
wuhan was my plug and we were supposed to meet at a men's restroom on the fifth floor of a department store. the deal was a permission letter to date him (????) and 5 grams of magical powder. so i went to the men's restroom. wuhan wore a mafia hat (??) and wore clothes like michael corleone from the godfather and it was fucking scary lmao????? he gave me the letter and the magical powder, and i went out of the restroom. then out of nowhere people started screaming that a girl just came out of the men's restroom and i yelled "twenty year old woman can have gender dysphoria toooooo what the fuck is wrong with you!?!?" and the dream ended.
ꕤ˚ 날짜 mar 31 2025
제목﹕regarding life_
today i was encouraged by olivia to say one positive thing per day. so i said this. i like how despite we are all equal in death, we still struggle and sweat, button and unbutton, live and laugh. i think god is a wonderful man. at the end of the day, he blessed me with [redacted] and i am granted temporary oblivion and euphoria until i fall asleep. she said that's wonderful, and responded with how she loved her new hair. she is my amazing friend. i love her so much and she's really fucking drop dead gorgeous too.
ꕤ˚ 날짜 mar 11 2025
제목﹕coding_
hi everyone! i've been up to so many things lately, and i've been in a constant state where every slight nuisance burdens me heavily. i tried my best to make my website accessible while keeping it low-saturated and 'coquette' or cozy - basically sticking to my self-definition of 'cute'. i'm thinking this will be my last adjustment to the general style of this website, as i have to focus on grounded and timely and depressing stuff regarding my real life. web designing was such an exciting and untouched journey that i thought i'd never experience in my life, just like when i first learned r during my social experiment course. i wish i could be consistent with this passion project, but i'm putting a comma for now. further feedback is appreciated. some things i'd want to try in the nearby future are semantic coding and dark-mode. plus, last quick note. please adjust the screen size with ctrl and -/+ buttons. i know my website can look very compact on certain devices. i have only tested my site on macbook air and chrome/firefox. some elements will look weird on windows os. anyways, wrapping this up. see-ya...
ꕤ˚ 날짜 mar 06 2025
제목﹕getting hold of_
i can't talk too deep and too descriptive about it. but i think i've finally saved myself from, well, from something. i actually like the directions and schemes i've set myself, all i need right now is some approbation.
ꕤ˚ 날짜 feb 27 2025
제목﹕collapse_
i'm writing this because i feel like i'm pretty much at the brink of collapse at this point. my admission is soon in march, and i've been so all over the place throughout the whole month of february. i've been pretty much in reminiscence of last year when i was still living in tokyo, thinking about how many pretty exhibitions i went to, thinking how scorching hot and lovely summer was, thinking about things and things, things after things and oh my god things after another things and things and thing-things haha very fun. i don't even have the energy to properly wrap this block of writing. my resume is so a** that i got completely roasted by my consulting professional for nearly two hours.
ꕤ˚ 날짜 feb 19 2025
제목﹕다혜한테 받은 편지_
그리고 제가 예전부터 하고 싶은 말이 있었는데 비록 지금은 예전보다 많이 연락이 뜸해졌지만 님을 향한 저의 응원의 마음은 여전히 있고 항상 감사할 따름 진짜 님을 만나기 전과 후가 완전히 다르네요. 저에게 많은 것들을 알려주셨던 분이라. 개척자... 죽기 전까지는 못 잊을 것 같네요... 더 기억에 남는 이유가 님이랑 저랑 처음에 만났을 땐 완전 애 같았는데 (지금에 비해) 지금은 어엿한 어른 같이 다가와서 그런 것 같아요... 과거와 현재가 동시에 공존하는 느낌이라 묘하기도 하고 서로 성장하는 모습들을 실시간으로 봐왔기 때문에 더 그런 것 같아요. 마치 초등학생 때부터 만난 느낌 (비유하자면) 말솜씨가 좋지 않아... 진심이 닿기를... 시간이 지나면서 가까워지고 멀어지는 건 당연하니까요... 나이가 먹으면서 달라지기도 하고 하지만 저는 님을 항상 좋아하고 응원하고 있어요... 님은 최고임 2월 18일 오후 5시 사랑하는 다혜로부터
ꕤ˚ 날짜 feb 16 2025
제목﹕saint_
me: i think being in your twenties is just lingering and obsessing over everything beautiful yet ephemeral. i want to grow old, and i aspire to grow old with a fully-fledged ability to nurture people. brother: that is, you're trying to become a saint, aren't you.
ꕤ˚ 날짜 feb 14 2025
제목﹕cafe_
cafes. i want to write about cafes today. as someone who loves studying in cafes and proudly calls myself a caffeine addict, i can tell you. there are several perks to cafe studying. well, the most entertaining out of them all, you get to watch dysfunctional families. since i live in the hub of a heated collective obsession with education, most of the family quarrels i get to witness at cafes revolve around schoolwork, real estate, and other down-to-earth matters. what's the psychological logic behind finding odd satisfaction in watching generational frustration when it's somebody else's problem? maybe it's because our family has moved past these struggles? maybe we're no longer teetering on the edge?
ꕤ˚ 날짜 feb 04 2025
제목﹕2025_
i will let in positivity, resilience, acceptance of growing pains, gratitude for the love that surrounds me, ethos, and forgiveness. i will let go of negativity, late-night ponders, fright of novelty, excessive thirst for external validation, troubled skin, fear of others' perception, and insomnia. i yearn to move towards instead of away. i wish to build sustainable connections and will try my best to prioritize networking. i will zoom out and view through a macroscopic lens before getting baffled and eaten into unnecessary thoughts. i wish we all remember beautiful things start out ugly.
ꕤ˚ 날짜 jan 29 2025
제목﹕reassurance_
this block of words is going to be about my reassurance ritual. getting lost in my own thoughts has been one of my most evil nemeses throughout my lifetime. impulsive, intrusive thread of thoughts often lead me to envision very unpleasant images and foreboding scenarios that constantly had me disheartened... since i was very young, even the slightest sensory elements have triggered me. and once it starts, my head becomes a razed pawnshop. i feel like an unattended vehicle of many years that was handed over as collateral. i look at my hollow self and run my fingers through my lackluster hair. when it happens, i look so ugly... i look into my mirror. i want to catch some sleep, but when sleeping becomes more difficult than ever, writing a whole thesis would seem more reasonable. so throughout years, i developed my reassurance ritual. it's really nothing so brilliant... first i'm going to stop staring back at myself in the mirror. i close my eyes for ten full seconds. count the numbers if you can. i take a warm shower. then, i drink a cold jug of water. i'm half way done. i'm in my process of falling back in love with my life. now that i've sanitized myself, i read words that soothe me. there are typical blogs and spaces i am fond of. i read those. i reread. then i turn off my laptop and impulse buy something on my smartphone - wait - no! now calm down and get some rest that you deserve. i wake up. the ritual has not fully gone through its cycle yet. i try to compliment at least five people, regardless of whether it's online or irl. i drink a hot cup of coffee. if i feel extra generous, i serve myself a very sweet matcha latte. if these things won't bring me back to my joyous state, i get help from proper medication.
ꕤ˚ 날짜 jan 28 2025
제목﹕cherry_
merry, merry, take a cherry; mine are sounder, mine are rounder, mine are sweeter. for the eater, when the dews fall. and you’ll be fairies all. - emily dickinson
ꕤ˚ 날짜 jan 28 2025
제목﹕acceptance_
a river flows without remorse for its path. those who cease to move cannot feel their chains.
ꕤ˚ 날짜 jan 20 2025
제목﹕appearance_
my impressions regarding this wordage: deceptive. collective obsession. desire. a fascinating instrument that is socially constructed in order to embellish oneself. unending moral questioning. in no way quintessential. corrosion of mind. a reason of admiration. sweet like honey. infliction. a quest to a pounding heart.
today i just want to rant about perfectionism. perfectionism is the prime reason why i am in constant anxiety. it strikes me from anywhere and nowhere, like a calm night before the storm. it is traumatizing, it deprecates me, it hurts my self worth, it keeps coming back to me. i wish to be free from the urge of wanting to be perfect. my dear friend told me that the avarice for perfection is what makes you less of a human. because we are human, we can never achieve something called perfect; it is an illusion. i need to learn how to be content with my work. i struggle to make every single detail perfect according to my specific criterion, which often is not even explicitly shown to people. i wish i could someday be free from this compulsive thought. maybe if i keep striving, maybe if i grow older and older, i can see what makes me suffer. and i can finally be content. i have dreams, and i like to picture myself smiling in my own imagination, a vision i hope will soon become reality.